I never had anybody else.
Never.
Only in your mind.
The monster which you created,
no fault of yours, the blame does not lay here,
but it is a monster that you created.
And now you have left.
You were unsure, felt guilt
and you used me.
Our last months,
you told me you loved me,
but not in the same way.
That I was your best friend
and you could never have anybody else.
You told me that right now there was no "us".
You told me that we have to wait and see.
You told me to wait.
And I waited, and I waited, and I waited.
And I drank, and I drank, and I drank.
Tried to forget, tried to see what everyone is telling me;
"there's plenty of fish in the sea".
But we were on our own.
I lived for you.
I have many disabilities and many faults.
You gave me a reason to wake up.
Cliché, cliché, you think.
You gave me a reason to fall asleep.
So I could wake to see another day.
But as I said,
I never had anybody else.
The monster which destroyed us,
was your creation,
your disability and your fault,
your insecurities and your fear,
your disorder and your history.
I never gave up,
I never let go,
I never stopped loving you,
no matter what you said or did.
I loved you far beyond that.
Enough to break down and give in
and let you make me believe
that everything was my fault.
That I wanted someone else.
That I was a disgusting fucking being.
That I was just like everybody else.
That I had betrayed you.
You had me convinced.
But deep down inside, I knew.
And I tried to tell you,
even though I was tired and I was hurt
I tried to show you how much I love you.
And I'm not like anybody else.
I don't want to hurt you.
I just want to know,
how you can abandon your "soul-mate"
and your "best friend" and your "lover",
and just pretend like he doesn't exist.
I am in a mental institution,
and I think you'd fit right in here.
With your disorders, delusions and your fears.
You are forever traumatized.
But I will never give up.
You are my only one.
And if I am not your only one,
and if everything you ever told me was a lie,
at least tell me.
Don't pretend like I don't exist.
Just because I wanted to end myself.
Just because I am out of reach.
and if it all was just a lie,
and we will never meet again.
I am sorry that I met you
and I am sorry that you met me.
Just say the words,
so I can be relieved.
Tell me the truth,
what are you doing with him?
Why are you not there for me?
Was it all a lie?
Just say the truth
and don't turn me away.
All I want is the truth.
So I can live, or I can leave.
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